Yesterday was not a good day.
I was supposed to be happy that my baby was healthy and everything looked great on the ultrasound and that everything was growing normally. Instead I cried because I really DONT want another girl. I DIDNT want a third child, I HATE being pregnant, and now its a girl. I am NOT happy about that (yet).
I should be happy that God has blessed us and made us savers. I should be happy that by selling some stocks, closing out all of our saving accounts and really scrimping that we can cover the almost $10,000 bill to repair the roof. I should be happy that we went ahead and replaced the roof before our siding was damaged and our home rotted from the inside out. I should be happy that I acted on that little stain on the top of ceiling. Instead, I just started freaking out about having absolutely no savings whatsoever. Thinking about the what-ifs instead of trusting that God has our best interests at heart. Its ONLY money. But I couldn't stop crying and stressing out when I got by myself. I managed to hold it together in front of the kids and in front of Justin but my own insanity drove me to tears when I was alone.
No--yesterday was not a good day. Today will be better.
I think once we decide on a name for the baby that I will feel closer to her and start loving her.
I think once we head to the beach on Saturday and I get away from the daily reminder of the house that I will feel better. We are all healthy, we are all happy and growing. Its ONLY money. We will continute to save and scrimp and if we need to give up our luxuries to build up our savings we will. Gym, TV, internet, preschool--those are all areas we could eliminate.
We're blessed--I can stay home to raise my children, I can feed my children healthy organic foods, I can cook tasty inexpensive meals, I enjoy cooking and baking, my husband and kids love beans :) We'll get though it.
Yesterday I needed to wallow and be sad and just absorb everything.
Today I am going to pray and trust and force myself to be positive.