Thursday, September 23, 2010

Different

I thought my life would be different than it is.
I never planned on having children. I never planned on having a husband. When I was little I would play hospital and be the doctor. In college I was pre-med. I ran with EMS.

Then I "got saved." Suddenly my life wasn't about me, it was supposed to be about Him. What's one of the first things He did? Gave me Justin. We started dating about 4 months after I got saved. We got married 2 years after that. What?? I am a wife now.

I didn't want to do a residency. I didn't want sleepless nights and years and years of schooling. I wanted to be a wife. I wanted to cook and clean and take care of our home. I wanted to go to church and Sunday School and be involved in ministry at church. So I started my Masters degree because I didn't want to be pre-med and I didn't have anything better to do.

The God tested us. Justin lost his job at Christmas. Just a few months into our marriage we were forced to move to Wilson to live with his parents. I commuted 2 hours to Chapel Hill to do my research and finish my degree. It was tough. It was trying. I couldn't be the wife I wanted. I missed our church and our friends. I was living with my in-laws. We went from a 2 bedroom 2 bath condo of our own to a 2 bedroom 1 bath house with Justin's parents.

I was NOT happy. I was very vocal about NOT being happy. I complained a LOT. I am NOT proud of how I acted. It was childish, selfish and very UN-Godly. I could have been a support to my husband but I tore him down. I was tired. I hated commuting. I already missed the life that I could have had. I think I failed that test with flying colors. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. " Romans 8:28 Thankfully, the relocation led us to Wilson and to Peace Church. We slowly made friends and got involved in this new church.

We got jobs.
We bought a house.

I loved my new job. Travel, technology, Deaf culture, sign language, awesome Godly co-workers. We actually prayed together as a staff. Yeah--a State office praying. It was wonderful. Then we got pregnant with Elijah--four years ahead of our plan. Our plan was to keep using my salary to pay off the house so we'd be mortgage free by the time we had a kid. God had other plans. What?? Now I am a mother.

I quit my job at 38 weeks. I had Elijah at 41 weeks. I haven't slept since. We've had three kids in three years. I have been pregnant or nursing since November of 2005. That's crazy.

I've had highs and lows. This is a low.

I don't know how to discipline Elijah. He wears me out. Lydia is picking up his bad habits plus some of her own. Yesterday I was completely on the brink of just losing it. The kids were awful at lunch and dinner. They bit, hit, screamed all day. I had to discipline Elijah at Grandmama's house because he scratched and bit me as I was buckling him in. I was just beyond tired and frustrated. I prayed a LOT. I prayed out loud in the car. I prayed over the children as they napped. I prayed laying in bed last night trying to sleep as the screaming baby was up for the 5th time.

I never imagined I would be wiping 4 tushies a day. I never imagined I would constantly be thinking about who will eat what with no fuss as I struggle to come up with healthy menus for the week. I never imagined I would need a shoe-horn to get all three kids in the back of a subaru.

I also never imagined how wonderful it is to be loved like this. Unconditionally. It does't matter if I haven't shaved or showered or brushed my teeth--my kids still want to be all over me. Sometimes its annoying but I try and enjoy it. Little hugs, kisses and snuggles. The constant request for "just one more minute" or "just one more song."

I know how much I love my children. What its hard for me to imagine is that God's love for me is even stronger than this. I know that I would die to save my kids from harm. God actually did it. I don't care if my kids have blue eyes and blond ringlets or hazel eyes and bed head--I am just glad they are mine. God is SO in love with me that he picked out my eyes and my hair and even knows how many hairs I've got. He knows how many are still brown and how many turn grey every day.

Yeah--my life is different than I thought it would be. Even though I am at a low right now I know that I will soon be able to look back and see that Romans is true: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I've got three little unexpected blessings running around. God is good. Always.

1 comment:

bethany said...

This is so true-I'm not sure anyone can say that their life has gone as planned-mine certainly has not. I can't imagine not understanding that there is a bigger plan and someone (Him) in charge of it all!!

Hope your days get better-I've been in a funk for like, the last year, so totally get that. :) I just keep having to tell myself-this too shall pass.