Thursday, September 06, 2012

I Hate School

VENT alert:

I hate having to go into the room at 6am and wake my sleeping son, rush him to eat and dress and get ready and be out the door by 6:45.  I hate the sound of my alarm at 5:30.  I hate that the girls have to watch TV while their daddy showers so I can drive for an hour to drop him off and come home.  I hate that we've had to cut out naps, because try as I may I can't change the fact that these girls have napped at 1:30pm ever since afternoon naps were established and we have to leave at 1:45 to pick up brother.   Despite trying to get them down at 11:30 I can't do it. I hate sitting in the stupid car pool line for 30 minutes while the girls whine at watch videos.  I especially hate losing my little boy to school for 7 hours and then having to force his tired, overworked little self to do homework when he gets home.  He was in tears tonight.  I put him to BED at 5:30 because he was begging to sleep.  He will get a wake up at 5:30 tomorrow morning so that he can do his homework that didn't get done tonight. 

I miss the life we had before school.  I don't like change.
Everyone is saying that we'll get used to it and that things will change and we'll start liking this.

I do like the girl time.  Preschool is fun in homeschool and we are having a blast.  The girls play OK together, very differently than when Elijah is here.  Elijah likes his time at school but it is hard on him.  He is so obsessed about being on "green" that he gets home and just explodes.  All that good behavior wears him out.  He said that three kids cried today when they got on blue or yellow (the warnings) because their parents would be mad at them.  He said one kid's dad spanked him with a belt.  I feel bad for these kids.  I have made my son cry before, I have spanked him, I discipline him regularly.  I know it is a part of life.  I just hate to see him stressed like this.

We've got to try to hang in until Christmas.  By then we should know if the routine is going to work or not.  By then we have to decide if it will be homeschool or Kindergarten for Lydia. 

I just don't know. 

I know that I am struggling.  I want the house to be clean and perfect and its not.  I get stressed by the messes.  I know I hate change.  I know I don't like others judging me and that's what school feels like, his teachers constantly evaluating and judging if he is "good enough", if I am good enough.  I hate that after about 1:30 our day is just awful.  Meltdowns, screaming, bad attitudes, homework fights, crying, yelling, struggling to get dinner made, baths done and everyone in bed.  Hubby sees Elijah for maybe 15 minutes a day.  He is never home before bed because he can't leave until I get back from drop off and his office moved the same time school started and his commute is now 45 minutes to an hour.  At least when the children napped it was a 7:30 bedtime so there was at least some chance of him seeing them.  Now, between 5:30 and 6pm is the normal time they go to bed.

I know when I homeshooled we'd have bad days.  Days when school didn't happen.  Days when I yelled.  Days when the kids didn't nap and the house was trashed.  It just seemed like we ended up with more good than bad days.  I am sure I am looking back with rose colored lenses though and things were hard then.  I guess I just felt more in charge of the chaos because I didn't have many external forces pulling at me.

I am praying that once MOPs starts and once our co-op starts that having some adult interaction will help.  It will give me something to look forward to during the week.  That the girls and I will make friends.  That I will meet other mothers with children who go to school and they can give me some advice.  I am hoping we will adjust to the schedule and things won't feel like absolute chaos every single day anymore.

I am praying that I will daily find a way to be happy and content in this situation and just stop WAITING.  I don't want to wait to enjoy our life.  I want to enjoy it now.

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