Elijah was praying tonight . . for his brother. A brother he doesn't have. A brother he seems so sure he is going to get. How has God put this so wholly on his heart? With no input from me.
My heart is aching. Breaking. I see foster kids, orphans . . . tons of kiddos with no family. I would love to have a huge family. I would love to have another 3 or 4 kids. I just don't want to grow my own, I want to adopt them.
What's stopping me? Well, I am a half. A half of a whole marriage. A mom and a dad must be both committed to be on board. I don't know how to bring it up. I am scared of his reaction. I am scared he wouldn't be equally burdened and it would cause a widening of the rift that is already formed in our marriage.
I don't know how to explain this deep yearning. I also know that we will probably meet with opposition from our family and from others. Adopting more kids would take away from the three we already have, the only grandchildren on each side. This child-centered culture would see that there would be no way to provide dance lessons or gymnastics or extra cirriculars for all of them. . . I would have as much time with each of them. . . Well, I've alread realized my kids are an idol. I would welcome some more distraction from them in the form of more children to love. I think it would be great for them to realize that they have it great and to knock them down a couple of notches. I would love to teach humility and compassion to my children.
I am feeling such a calling for more children. Every time I see the empty seat in the car or at the dining room table I think about Elijah's brother. Seriously. Every time. It is crazy. IT is crazy because some days I feel as if I am completely overwhelmed with life anyway. The laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the training up of my three that I do have.
I am also feeling led to avoid the baby stage and head straight for the 5 and 6 year old set. A ready playmate for Elijah. I don't like the baby phase. I am scared though. I think about all that my son has been through in his 6 years. I would have missed all that. What traumas will the child have to work though? Will he love me?
Selfish. Selfish. That is how I feel. I might have to deal with behaviors and attitudes but that child had to endure them, not me.
So I will pray. I will beg. I will plead. Lord, please cause my husbands heart to ache with the need for another son. Lord please cause my children's hearts to ache with the need for another brother. Help us all to be happy to sacrifice for this child. Lord even now, you know what the future holds. If we are meant to get another son, please send people to love him and influence him for you. Prepare his heart for our family and prepare our hearts for him.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
- You love gymnastics and want to be on team so bad. We got you a mat for your birthday after you practiced your handstands for 3 hours on a couple of Satudays. We were worried you would break your feet on the hardwoods.
- Your favorite movie is McKenna.
- You love to be the center of attention. You constantly talk to make sure someone is paying attention to you. If there is a chance to speak in front of people you practically jump out of your seat to do it. You know no strangers--you will talk to just about anyone anywhere if I give you the go-ahead nod.
- You can ride a two wheeler
- Your favorite food was beets for a long time. You still like them a lot but your new favorite is mashed potatoes. You also really like Wendy's cheeseburgers with tomato and bacon ONLY.
- You can be absolutely vicious when you don't get your way. You will pinch, bite, hit, scratch . . but only when you think you won't get caught. When you do get caught it is waterworks from you and you are so embarassed. Not repentant, but embarassed.
- You want to be the boss of your sister so much. You are constantly correcting her and bossing her. You LOVE it when you guys play "Mommy/Daughter" because she is always the baby and you are always the mommy.
- You know we love you but I think you are a little insecure. You are not very affectionate at all. You don't like hugs and kisses and stuff in general. BUT if you feel like you are in trouble it is all hanging all over my neck, giving me kisses etc. to try and make up for it.
- You know 29 sounds and are able to read the first three sets of the BOB books.
- You can tell time and know all your numbers.
- You know the books of the bible (ALL 66 of them!), your months, days of the week, and continents and oceans.
- You are thrilled that you get to start kindergarten in the Fall.
- You are trying tonight to go without a diaper for the first time overnight.
- You stopped sucking your thumb about 4 months ago!
- You can zip zippers, tie your own shoelaces (even brother can't do that!), button buttons, do your belt and get your sister dressed even if she wants to wear tights.
- You hate to have things in your hair.
- You love to wear makeup and have your face painted.
- Purple is your favorite color.
- You hate milk with a passion. You only tolerate it on your cereal. You drink water 99% of the time.
- You love coffee "sweet and brown" with cream and sugar.
- You hate coconut but like coconut oil. . . you say it smells "Beachy"
- Your biggest challenge is backtalk. You think you know the right way or know more about what is fair and you CONSTANTLY argue if you don't agree. You also ALWAYS feel like you have to put in your two cents.
- I love that you aren't afraid to ask the reason behind something--you are always thinking.
- You float off to "Lyddie-land" regularly . . the line between your made up world (where McKenna calls you repeatedly on your non-working cell phone and Barbie's come to life) and your real life is amusing. I am oftern curious why you never invented an imaginary friend. You are so creative. Your creative play is amazing.
- You LOVE to read stories. You still don't have much attention for TV, but you will wit with me for hours listening to stories.
- You are one of the best cutters in the house--you absolutely rock with a pair of scissors. Brother asks you to help HIM sometimes.
We love you!