Tuesday, March 19, 2013


Elijah was praying tonight . . for his brother.  A brother he doesn't have.  A brother he seems so sure he is going to get.  How has God put this so wholly on his heart?  With no input from me.

My heart is aching.  Breaking.  I see foster kids, orphans . . . tons of kiddos with no family.  I would love to have a huge family.  I would love to have another 3 or 4 kids.  I just don't want to grow my own, I want to adopt them.

What's stopping me?  Well, I am a half.  A half of a whole marriage.  A mom and a dad must be both committed to be on board.  I don't know how to bring it up.  I am scared of his reaction.  I am scared he wouldn't be equally burdened and it would cause a widening of the rift that is already formed in our marriage.

I don't know how to explain this deep yearning.  I also know that we will probably meet with opposition from our family and from others.  Adopting more kids would take away from the three we already have, the only grandchildren on each side.  This child-centered culture would see that there would be no way to provide dance lessons or gymnastics or extra cirriculars for all of them. . . I would have as much time with each of them. . . Well, I've alread realized my kids are an idol.  I would welcome some more distraction from them in the form of more children to love.  I think it would be great for them to realize that they have it great and to knock them down a couple of notches.  I would love to teach humility and compassion to my children. 

I am feeling such a calling for more children.  Every time I see the empty seat in the car or at the dining room table I think about Elijah's brother.  Seriously.  Every time.  It is crazy.  IT is crazy because some days I feel as if I am completely overwhelmed with life anyway.  The laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the training up of my three that I do have.

I am also feeling led to avoid the baby stage and head straight for the 5 and 6 year old set.  A ready playmate for Elijah.  I don't like the baby phase.  I am scared though.  I think about all that my son has been through in his 6 years.  I would have missed all that.  What traumas will the child have to work though?  Will he love me? 

Selfish.  Selfish.  That is how I feel.  I might have to deal with behaviors and attitudes but that child had to endure them, not me. 

So I will pray.  I will beg.  I will plead.  Lord, please cause my husbands heart to ache with the need for another son.  Lord please cause my children's hearts to ache with the need for another brother.  Help us all to be happy to sacrifice for this child.  Lord even now, you know what the future holds.  If we are meant to get another son, please send people to love him and influence him for you.  Prepare his heart for our family and prepare our hearts for him.

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